If the human would just get out of my way, I'd have a clear shot at the door to Sybil and Cesu's room!

The human loves to lounge in her over sized leather chair and prop her legs up on the ottoman. I have managed to make my mark on the chair. Don't ask her about it though. The mere mention seems to bring tears to her eyes. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not but I think I'd be safe to err on the side of a not so good thing! But anyway, back to me. Here I am squinting my eyes at the door to see if I can exercise my magical powers of x-ray vision so that I can see just where Sybil and Cesu have positioned themselves on the other side. That way should the door magically just open - hey, wishing may not make it so but mind games just might make it open - I can be in there in the blink of the eye to terrorize those old decrepit cats! I can sit like this for hours. Okay, maybe I doze off here or there but I'm all over it. Don't kid yourself!

What is this about all that's missing is the apple in the mouth?

What is the human going on about this time? Something about a pig on a platter and all that's missing is the apple? I look good enough to eat? Hey, this isn't some Far Eastern country where they eat cats! Or is it? I'm locked inside and have no way of knowing where I am! Not that I want to be outside - it's cold! It's Thanksgiving and apparently this is the time of year the humans think entitles them to stuff themselves full of food. As long as I get some of the turkey the human can stuff herself all she wants!

She can't fool me - My olfactory organ works real good!

For all you uneducated out there, I mean my sense of smell is one of my greatest skills, not that a sense of smell can be a skill...whatever! Every other Sunday, the human walks in the door and reeks of other cats along with the smell of bleach and Odoban. She tells me she's been somewhere called Good Mews. According to her, that was where I was supposedly on some waiting list to get into when those other people found me. She claims to have taken me in because there was no room at the 'inn' - she seems to think that's pretty funny. I just have to roll my eyes. Anyway, back to me! Not that I have any great desire to go to this place - way too many other cats - I think I'd freak out! But the human sometimes talks like she might bring me home a playmate from there. So I'm always checking out the smell - maybe one of those smells is my new roomie!

Personal grooming 101

You know one can never look too good. At least, that's how I think! I've noticed the human sticking something in her mouth and moving it around. She thinks it gets rid of bad breath. Well, we don't have to tell her, now do we? Cats have a much better sense of smell. I'll leave it at that! But hey, I'd rather chew on this than go to the vet and get my teeth cleaned. Besides my teeth are looking a little yellow next to my lovely white hair! Do you think they can bleach cat's teeth - or is that taking vanity to new level. Nah, I didn't think so either!

Ah, the sweet warmth of clothes fresh out of dryer!

and for some unknown reason, it always seem to piss off my human. If it was all that important to her you'd think she'd put them away immediately after taking them out of the dryer. I think it's part of a great conspiracy to malign us cats. I know how humans just love to have towels fresh out of the dryer when they step out of the shower, well, it's like that for me. I think I get a better snooze out of it when I'm perched high on top of some of the human's clothes that she's just folded. She is such a push over that I know she'll let me sleep. Of course the down side to all that is that I must then suffer through her whining about white cat hairs on everything. I usually just walk away. I can go places she can't go!

Now where did that little twerp go?

Every morning I wake up and run to the window to check out the neighborhood and there sitting on the sidewalk is that mangy black cat from up the hill. He/she/it (whatever) keeps squatting on my property and the dang human will not let me go out to fend off the interlopers! She keeps mumbling something about how I would get shredded into tiny little bits because I have no street smarts! Like she would know! I used to go outside a lot before I came to live here - oh. wait. I seem to remember something about not liking it all that much. It was cold and wet and I got really hungry. Hmmm. Never mind. I think I'll just stay right here behind this glass door and act like I really do have balls!

She is so not funny, that human of mine!

I have to deal with her stupid jokes. My most current irritation from her is when she runs around the house after me and call out, "I'm going to hug and kiss you". Get a life, woman. If I wanted to be worshipped and adored, don't you think I wouldn't be running. So here she comes and I look over my shoulder and if I wasn't so intent on getting away from her, I would be laughing so hard I'd pee on myself! She is thundering around the corner after me, failing her arms and calling my name. So here I sit, listening to her ramble on and on - it's kind of like the Charlie Brown TV specials where the teacher is in the background going "Wah, wah, wah, wah!" Not even a look of distain from me fails to get the point across she should keep her day job because she's not that clever!

Let's see. I'll do 50 side crunches on each side! Think that'll keep my stomach nice and flat?

Well, I know the human thinks so. She does her exercises with some consistency (I have to be honest here!) and it's mostly abdominals because she can lie on her back in front of the TV and grunt and groan. I usually come in watch the theatrics and pounce on her just when she's completed a series of 5 second bicycles. She hates that! But it is my duty and yes, responsibility to keep her on her toes and focused - none of this half hearted stab at exercise! I mean, it's not as hard as she carries on about it!

What neck-wear should I wear for a casual dinner with friends?

Okay, they're not all mine - the one I'm tossing around is Cesu's - that thing is big enough to fit around my human's waist - no, wait, that is an exaggeration - I don't know what could fit around that waist! Nothing I own. I mean, she could really stretch out anything I would have and then I would never be able to wear it. Don't you hate it when you let someone borrow something and when you finally get it back, it's all stretched out of shape - you know basically ruined. When I get bored, I get all my old neck wear (and that of Sybil and Cesu, too - I like to play dress up with the best of them!) and toss them around. Quite a collection I've got don't you think?

I Know it's In Here Somewhere!

We've already talked about how I am the designated office assistant. She's a little frantic this time of month - bills are due and she can never find the bill and the envelope to mail. So we run around the office looking for said bills and envelopes. I do my best to spread out all the papers all over the floor and the desk - sometimes it even spills out into the hallway. The human is not always pleased with my efforts. She needs to get over it! I mean how many times do I have to hear, "It's hard to get good help!" when here I sit always ready to offer my services!

I know they're behind this door. If I could. just. get. my. head. under. the. door ...

I could see for myself. I mean I can hear Sybil hiss at me. Cesu just growls at me. Then I hear 'thunder paws' - my little nickname for Cesu, run from the door to some secret hiding place in there. I just want them to know me and fear me. Heck, I just want someone to fear me! Isn't that what a guy is supposed to do - rule the house with an attitude and then be waited upon hand and foot - or is that just a cat thing in general? Has the human shown you yet what I've managed to do to the carpet. I'm pretty proud of it! It's the male thing again - I excel at demolition. The human gets a little melancholy when she looks at my handiwork and she laments about how will she sell the house without replacing all the carpet.