I don't think there is enough paper to print out her entire 2001 Tax Return!

And as her office assistant, it is my job to make sure that the print job doesn't run out of paper. I'm kind of a self appointed office assistant. The human definitely needs help. Her desk is a mess!! I find that I have to clean it off at least once a day! And the fastest way to do it is to push everything off the desk and flop down on top of the key board and rest after all that hard work. The human sometimes protests at my help - but then I look around at the rest of her house and it pretty much looks like that's how she keeps the rest of house. Then another human comes every other week and puts things up and moves noisy things around the house. I've never seen this human - I've merely heard the loud machines she pushes around the house. I'm behind a closed door under the bed and still afraid!

I've got a good bedtime story for all you kids out there!

If I have to hear the human tell the story of how disappointed she is in me after my last visit to the vet's office, I will become comatose! As you can tell, I am well on my way here! So I had a little hissy fit at the vet's - I just decided that more shots was the last thing I wanted at that moment - I spit, I bit, I clawed, I yowled my consternation - let me repeat for all you humans out there - I. Do. NOT. Want. Any. More. Needles. Piercing. My. Skin!!! Apparently, my human is only concerned about the fact that I acted more like Sybil and Cesu than the sweet guy I normally act like! She'll just have to get over it! She nagged me all the way home and then followed me around the house nagging some more. I finally figured out that if I went to sleep - either she quit the nagging or I just didn't hear it. Either way works for me!

Does this picture give you vertigo, too?

Here we have a perfect example of the human attempting to get artistic with the camera - she is standing over me and telling me to smile - yeah, right! Apparently she thought I was doing something cute. She ran to get her camera - and of course, just like the next person, I had moved onto something that was obviously not as cute but she insisted upon taking the picture anyway! I am very good at ceasing and desisting with anything that remotely resembles 'cuteness' anytime I sense a camera is about to get involved! So you have a lot of pictures just like this one. A completely bored (though obviously good-looking!) cat. If I was a human guy, I be sitting in front of the TV with the remote in one hand, a beer (probably a Bud Lite - got to watch that ever expanding waist line ya know!) beside me on the end table (without a coaster of course!) scratching myself and maybe burping a little - but being the cat that I am, I am merely stretched out full length, flexing my claws and being aloof.

Do I look happy? I think not!!

The human had me checked for an infected penis. Thank you very much - all is fine with my equipment - what's left of it! Apparently the reason that I am humping everything in sight is because I was 'neutered' late in life - as in I had already discovered what the talk is all about! So according to Dr. Stumpf, I am merely acting out my aggression - apparently I am trying to establish my dominance over all the females of the house - and I'm starting with the cat bed! I am lord over all cat beds! I weigh all of 14 pounds. I'm all muscle and I hate going into the cat carrier. Other than that I am a sweet handsome guy! At least that's what the vet is saying and I'm in total agreement. I refuse to have a decent picture made when I am not in charge of the situation hence my uncooperativeness with the camera!

Here I am - back at it!

Like I said before - the human needs help with this web site thing. Like last week, she said she updated it with a picture of me - well, I'm here to tell you, she didn't! So I'm sitting on her literally until she gets her fat fingers a going on it! I know this is not a new picture of me but apparently she can not be bothered to take the time and effort to capture me in my finest. So, you the viewer, are to be subjected to recycled pictures of me! (and this is from the human, actually this is one of the pictures on this site that mysteriously disappeared when I attempted to move my web site. So yes, if you ever paid attention to what Billy has to say, you have seen this picture but if you haven't then this is new to you!)

This, Folks, is the current love of Billy's Life!

Poor guy! He humps this poor cat bed all the time. He straddles this and bites it all the while he is humping it. No wonder he "don't get no satisfaction"! I was going to photograph him going at it but it was borderline kitty porn! (yet, another sad attempt at humor on my part) No wonder Cesu and Sybil hiss and spit every time they hear him, much less see him! They are still technically virgins and I'm thinking they intend to go out like that! Buddy, a sweet guy, was returned to Good Mews for his sexually aggressive behavior (he, too, was humping everything in sight!). I heard that they were going to be taking Buddy to the vet - maybe there is something that can be ingested or some behavior modification that can be used to curb said behavior. Maybe if I can discover what it is, Billy will then be able to be socialized with 'the girls'. A whole bunch of maybes that would make my life much easier!

Well, I don't see anyone else using it!

I don't understand the concept of humans' living rooms. My human never uses the room except to walk through it on the way to somewhere else. So where is the logic in stuffing it full of expensive furniture that she never uses. I figure I'm doing her a favor, you know, actually using the furniture. Unfortunately, she seems to have issues with it - I frequently hear comments about shaving my body in a no doubt vain attempt to cease and desist with the shedding of hair. Who's she to talk? I see the hair around the drain in the shower! I'm all over that!

Can't She See She Has Disturbed My Slumber?

What does she want? First, she whines because I don't shadow her every move. Then she whines because I don't sit in her lap. God, then I decide that I'll honor her with my presence (this after she strongly 'suggested' that I move away from the door that hides the 'girls' from all my shows of bravado) So I make myself comfortable and proceed to do the tried and true cat nap thing. Then I hear the sound of the camera ... geeze, that human can NOT leave that thing alone! So I think I'll just give her the ole evil eye. She is not frightened. But I am biding my time. My claws are growing out. She will know and fear me soon!

Oops! Caught in the act!

The human has informed that I have ruined every piece of furniture in her house. That's not true. I have not touched my throne (pictured here). But she has conveniently over looked this fact. She has every side of every sofa and chair covered with 'sticky' tape. She keeps pulling out the the piece of furniture with the carpet on it and mumbles something about I should be using that instead of the furniture. In her dreams! Meanwhile, I sit or lay around as I so aptly illustrate here, in my chair and shed my hair everywhere. It's a great life!

Help! I really am being held captive!

She was so insistent that she capture the first vet visit - since she started scrapbooking in earnest, she takes pictures of me doing everything - yes, I mean everything. Next thing you know she'll include a picture of me taking a dump in the litter box. She has no shame! I mean, I'm back from getting my nails trimmed and she refused to let me out of the carrier until she had taken my picture. I wonder what PETA would have to say about this. I bet I could get her into some trouble for keeping me in a cage against my will!